I’ve been trying to understand what you said, that my anxiety about our relationship was your biggest reason for leaving.

It may be self-centered but what I’ve come to is this, you were worried that I didn’t - or wouldn’t - want to stay and that caused you to stress about what you thought was necessary to keep me happy. You felt like you were somehow responsible for how (you thought) I felt.

Kim, you weren’t responsible.

Kim, you weren’t responsible. There were things about myself I didn’t understand, maybe I still don’t. But I wonder too, if you’re imposing some baggage from your own experiences, your father and/or the kids’.

I don’t believe we ever discussed, in those days, my underlying anxiety or the stress it caused you - it wasn’t something I had even recognized in myself. After bringing it up the first time, you told me it was the one time through all of this that you ever questioned having left - presumably because you could imagine there being a cause that was unrelated to anything you had done or that I wanted.

Whatever the reason, you allowed me get away things you shouldn’t have because you loved me and were scared, and I let you let me. Neither one of us should have let it happen but it didn’t mean that we didn’t care.

I know I often made communication hard, I’ve tried to change that. I’ve said since the beginning that a lot of this is caused by misunderstandings. I didn’t know the things I did hurt you they way they did or that you were worried about us. You thought my general depression and anxiety were caused by our relationship. We were both wrong.

I think you were worried, too, about how I would effect Fern. You said you didn’t want her to “grow up with only one happy parent”. Kim, you and Fern made me happy every single day. I’m so sorry you couldn’t tell, I thought you could see everything I was feeling.

Kim, you and Fern made me happy every single day.

We talked about getting another couch, or even a pair, for the family room, with the rug. Maybe you took my wanting us to take our time as a sign of disengagement, it was anything but that. I was imagining us sitting together as a family playing games across a coffee table. I was imagining Fern as a teenager, bringing friends over to gossip or do homework. I was imagining us lying together, listening to music and watching the fire. I was never imagining a way out. I got rid of my bed and let Michael take the frame because I only ever wanted to share one with you.

You’ve said that people don’t change and that you don’t believe I can. I’ve said you’re wrong. I still believe that, though I know how I’ve looked to you. I absolutely have had doubts and fears about our relationship, before and since, but I know, more than ever, that it is what I want. I know that my love for you and Fern is enough for me to achieve anything. You’ve said that you don’t believe I love you enough to change or to keep it up. You’re wrong. I can be good enough for you and you should let me show you.

Kim, I know you don’t need me the way that I need you; you’ve always been braver and stronger, especially now. I know that things being easier for you isn’t enough, but it would be so much more than that. You don’t need me, but it would be better and happier for you, for Fern, and of course for me if we were together.

You showed me what I could have, who I could be, even if I wasn’t yet.

You showed me what I could have, who I could be, even if I wasn’t yet. It will always be about our past, for better and for worse. None of that can be changed, but for me it’s about the future, it’s about the life I want for all of us.

I know most of what I’ve said here isn’t new and isn’t enough, but it needs to be said, will always be true, and matters.

I love you.